Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Reading Journal 2014

Inspired by @readingthebooks, @Xris32 and a good few other Twitter bibliophiles, I am reading more. I also want to keep a track of what I read, along with brief notes of what I thought of each book.  The aim is for at least a book a week. Much more easily achievable while not well enough to work.

1. The Redbreast - Jo Nesbo Started 20/12/13 Finished 03/01/14

Image from Amazon.co.uk

This is my 5th Jo Nesbo book, previous books have been: Headhunters, The Bat, Phantom, Nemesis and The Snowman.  I am reading them out of sequence, so my interpretation of the central protagonist's - Harry Hole - character development is a little warped.  However, Nesbo writes with wit and pace, in this instance using dual narrative strands of a WWII and contemporary narrative, which converge in a dramatic climax.  The final reveal, for me, wasn't quite as logical as I'd hoped, mainly due merely considering what the age of the main antagonist should be and how he connected to other characters.  Having said that, I rattled through the book due to well-rounded central characters, evocative descriptions of setting and action, witty dialogue.  I'll no doubt read the rest.  Thanks to @Xris32 for introducing me to these.

2. Mega top-secret novel - Malcom Pryce   Started 04/01/14 Finished 08/01/14

Through what can best be described as serendipity and great good fortune, I was asked to read a first draft of an author's new novel along with my great friend Lisa (@Dyskadores).  It is a new departure for the author concerned, who was anxious about how his novel would be received.  Writers are inherently neurotic, no?  I'm not allowed to discuss it, even with Lisa! However, it would be utterly criminal if it wasn't published. 

He asked for feedback purely as a reader, so had to switch off my English teacher brain for when I gave him his feedback. I confess to being a tad intimidated by this, I mean feedback to a bone fide, talented published author who I am a big fan of is quite a big deal.  I emailed him this afternoon and got a 'brilliant, thanks, I agree and think my editor would agree with you too.' response. I nearly fainted with relief.

Update 08/01/14 PM So, the author, Malcolm Pryce (@exogamist) has tweeted his thanks for my 'beta testing' of his work in progress to two other readers and I. So don't have to be quite so secret squirrel. What a total honour and a privilege, huh?

3. Dark Matters - Michelle Paver with 'Wreck this Journal' Keri Smith
Paver Started 08/01/14 Finished 09/01/14

Image credits: Dark Matter image from amazon.co.uk  Wreck This Jounal image from justjillsblog.wordpress.com

 
 
Well, the Paver novel did not take me long at all, and at only 240 pages, it's not a tome by any stretch of the imagination.  Various adjectives such as 'spellbinding'. 'afraid', 'blood-curdling' and 'mistress of suspense' are used on the blurb.  I can't say that I agree. I didn't dislike it, but neither did it make my pulse rate increase. 
   The narrative, vocabulary and sentence structures are all very simple, perhaps giving away the author's roots in writing fiction for children.  It lacked the real subtelty required of a truly frightening ghost story, there was not enough for the reader to do. For example, there is far too much revealed about the 'ghoul' and its appearance far too early on in the narrative, thus removing much potential for suspense to the writer.
  She is sensible in limiting the characters in the novel, but for me they are not fully three dimensional.  One could argue the landscape and the dark are also characters, offering some menace to the story.  Although, for the Northerm Lights to just be named in passing is an occasion where the author misses a trick.
  Having said this, due to the simple way in which it is written, it would serve as a useful introduction to ghost stories for younger readers, serving as an ego boost for children or teens who lack confidence in reading, for they would be reading a book for 'grown-ups'. 
  In short an enjoyable, but an un-taxing read.
 
The Keri Smith journal is great fun, I spent HOURS colouring in a two pages by 'taking a line for a walk', something I've not done since I was at junior school! My tongue was poking out of the side of my mouth an everything.
 
Right, now to decide the next book to read.
 
4. 'A Kind of Intimacy' Jenn Ashworth  Started 9/01/14 Finished 14/01/14
Borrowed from @LisaFarrell3

                                                               


















 
As Lisa told me upon passing me the novel, don't be fooled by the 'Richard & Judy' style book cover.  The novel is set in a generic town suburb, that is full of well meaning, but slightly cliquey neighbours.
   The protagonist, and our narrator, moved in to this haven of 'normal' and is morbidly obese and with that comes all sorts of potential reader prejudices. An intriguing premise.  Much of the narrative is our protagonists stream of consciousness, her intermal monologue recounting what she thinks and feels about what goes on around her, and justification of her actions.
  The novel begins calmly and with a certain sense of innocence, you initially feel real sympathy and empathy for our narrator and protagonist.  However, as more detail is drip fed to us about her past, along with the recount of her present day behaviours and actions; the reader begins to piece things together, growing increasingly disconcerted, uncomfortable and uneasy.  Sometimes I could not continue reading as I needed a break from the squirming.
  The increasing darkness of the narrative culminates in a compelling and dramatic finale, although interestingly, even at her very worst, you are never completely devoid of sympathy for our protagonist. 
  A very intriguing, well structured, uncomfortable and intriguing read. Thoroughly recommended.
 
5. 'The Snow Child' Eowyn Ivey  Started 14/01/14 Finished 19/01/14
 
Christmas present from Chris Curtis (@Xris32) 212 pages in and I say, "Well chosen sir, well chosen." 
 

 
This afternoon I decided to ditch whatever else I had intended to do until I had finished reading this book. Yes, it is THAT kind of book.
  Set in the wilds of Alaska, featuring an old married couple Jack and Mabel who arrived there, to use a Lennie-ism, "Live off the fatta the land." and escape, well, grief.  Grief knots and binds the couple together stiffly; their cabin is essentially Mabel's self-defined prison, while Jack literally fights the landscape to earn a living.
  Then the snow girl enters the narrative, but intermittently. She is small, delicate, ethereal and born of fairy tales; she inhabits the Alaskan wilds, and her timid other-worldly presence thaws the frost between Jack and Mabel so awakening them to life.
  There is a warm, boisterous supporting cast of a nearby family who Mabel initially merely tolerates. Perhaps a little like a Greek chorus, they are the questionning pragmatic conscience of the reader, curious about Mabel's faith in the little girl and her grasp on her sanity.
   This is a beautiful book. The Alaskan landscape, as is the landscape in Brokeback Mountain and The Lord of the Rings, is as much a character as the people who inhabit it. It is wild, glorious and unforgiving; forcing its inhabitants to earn its respect. Language is used with delicate precision to bring us into the Alaskan wilds and Jack and Mabel's powerful and moving inner monologues.
  The novel has a fairytale like quality without being a derivative of Disney representations of such.  Much like Stoner - on the surface a totally contrasting novel - you become utterly absorbed and engrossed in the novel, the landscape, its deeply, carefully, lovingly drawn characters.   You cannot help but love this book, and it will linger with you long, long, long after you have read it.  You will close the book and mourn the time you can no longer spend with it. It is wonderful.
 
Still pondering my next book choice, as I think I need to let the Ivey novel dissipate a bit more. Not ready to let it go just yet. In the meantime, enjoy this book bingo I found via a Facebook:
















 
 
6. 'Gold' Dan Rhodes Started 20/01/14 Finished 23/01/14
Borrowed from @LisaFarrell3
Previously read by same author:  'This is Life'  - also borrowed from Lisa!
 
After reading 'This is Life' I eulogised about it with Lisa on one of our regular Costa meet ups in the glamorous setting of Tamworth services, more the venue of a clandestine drug deal (also more likely in Tamworth) than a chance to swap literature. I loved this book for it's quirkiness, likeable central protagonist and a real sense of the absurd.

           


 
'Gold' I believe, I set somewhere on the Pembrokeshire coast - the giveaways being the mention of Haverfordwest and Milford Haven, and on one of Miyuki's (our heroine) coastal walks, a fleeting description of the Texaco oil refinery, gave me all the clues I needed as an ex 'shire inhabitant.  Rhodes captures the unique character of Pembrokeshire's craggy but glorious coastline with an eye for affectionate detail of the magnificent cliffs, undulating coastal paths and as evey 'shireling knows, the importance of the local pub and its regulars.
   Rhodes paints his comic characters using recognisable Welsh stereotypes - such as gloriously accurate character nicknames such as 'Septic Barry', 'Tall Mr. Hughes' and 'Short Mr. Hughes'  who have a 'Last of the Summer Wine-ish' form of friendship; with the same roguery and gentle humour.  Stereotypes maybe used, but they are done with total affection for the 'shire and its inhabitants.
   Miyuki, at the start of the novel, a highly charming and enigmatic heroine with a wonderfully mixed heritage of a Welsh mother and a Japanese father.  She visits this same village each year for her two week break from her relationship, her pragmatic approach to making sure she never takes her partner for granted. As Rhodes lets us know more about her, her past, her desires and her quirks of character, her interactions with the locals, the village and the landscape become all the more meaningful and at the very end, poignant.
   Rhodes has an eminently readable, enjoyable and delicious style of writing; rich in both humour and pathos, creating characters you can't fail to engage with, whilst forming both a recognisable, but other worldly sense of place, in his chosen location. The atypical narrative style have given both novels (this one is really more of a novella at 198 pages) a healthy sense of the absurd. I shall definitely be reading more of Rhodes books.
 
7. 'The Remains of the Day' Kazuo Ishigaro Started 23/01/14 Finished 28th January 2014
Also borrowed from @LisaFarrell3
 
Before reading this I was quite familiar with what it was, having seen bits of the film, but for some reason, never the whole film, so whilst I was reading,  I could clearly picture Anthony Hopkins in the role of consumate Butler Mr. Stevens and Emma Thompson as the inimitable Miss. Kenton. After having read the novel, I don't think the casting of those roles could have been more perfect.
   Stevens is such an intriguing narrator, seemingly suffering from prolixity (or verbosity) whilst recounting past events and justifying his actions and reactions to others, while in dialogue, he is utterly taciturn. His taciturnity, which he never wavers from in his professional life as a butler, is what infuriates Miss. Kenton, but also makes us and her love him.  Whilst reading and noticing this I thought this would be a wonderful text for teachers of AQA A2 Lang/Lit to use for the 'Talk in Life and Literature' part of the exam. There is huge scope for delving in to the pragmatics, the unsaid, in this novel whilst also looking at language of the powerful, powerless and the social status. Anyway, back to the novel.
  Whilst travelling to meet Miss. Kenton (now married), Stevens recounts to us many anecdotes of his time serving Lord Darlington at Darlington Hall. There is a wonderfully memorable exchange between Stevens and a visitor, Mr. Cardinal where Stevens has been asked to discuss with him the 'birds and the bees'. Stevens' taciturn dialogue, full of euphemism and hedges is wonderfully written providing a moment of beautifully gentle comedy. This comedy of manners recurs during Stevens' recounts of exchanges with his new, American employer Mr. Farraday who is fond of 'bantering' leaving Stevens often at a loss at how to respond. Stevens' desire to master the art of 'bantering' is hugely endearing.
  Ishiguro's setting for the novel is between the two World Wars providing us with tantalising glimpses at what occured between politicians and the upper classes during this period. We are never quite sure what it is the Lord Darlington did that was so significant and so troublesome, but Stevens' loyalty to his master, despite his implied shortcomings, is unwavering, and Stevens himself later wonders if it was foolish.
  Of course, Stevens' journey to the now married Miss. Kenton, whilst in their later years is significant and poignant. We only realise how poignant the more Stevens reveals about the working professional relationship and their deeply buried feelings. At one point, Stevens tells us his, "heart is breaking"; and for a moment, so did mine.
  This is so beautifully crafted, I can see why it won The Booker Prize in 1989. A novel that I am very glad I have read.
 
8. Gervais Phinn 'The School Inspector Calls' (Christmas present from my mum, she knows me well!) Started 28/01/14  Finished 01/02/14  The 3rd in his Little Village School series.
 
I read Gervais Phinn's non-fiction books many years ago, where Phinn writes about his time in the Yorkshire Dales as a teacher and a school inspector. They are chock full of humorous anecdotes that would resonate with all teachers, often laugh out loud funny.  Having enjoyed his writing before I was quite chuffed to unwrap this at Christmas.
  The novel is set in the fictional village of Barton-on-the-Dale, which is somewhat reminiscent of the whimsical England as written by Agatha Christie in her Marple novels, and as televised in Midsomer Murders...but without the murder bit. There are chocolate box cottages, a well populated local, a manor house and a well-loved church.  The hub of the narrative and the community centres around the village juniour school.
   The premise of this novel rests around the merger of Barton and Urebank junior schools, with the charming but steely Mrs. Devine to be head teacher of both, while Mr. Richardson, head teacher of Urebank, to be her deputy. He is bitter and antagonistic, setting up some narrative tension for the novel and a long drawn out battle to be won. Phinn uses characternyms, like Dickens, to efficiently draw well known archtypes and stereotypes such as Miss. Sowerbutts, the cantankerous retired Head Teacher of Barton school or the HMI Mr. Steel. In the main, these work well in the chocolate box setting of Barton-on-the-Dale, but sometimes you wish for more 'meat' to the characters.
   The stars of  the novel are really Phinn's cast of pupils.  The main narrative ark rests around the arrival of troubled Robin Banks (yes really), a defiant, disruptive lad who runs both his parents and teachers ragged. Full of fear, resentment and rejection, he is a pupil that all teachers know. The nobility of Mrs. Devine's determination not to give up on him is what I really enjoyed, showing a real 'truth' to the nature of teachers. Young Danny and his rich Yorkshire dialect and pet ferret; the lovable, irrepressable geek Oscar with the innocent charm of Chardonnay's apprension of taking on the lead in the school production of "The Wizard of Oz" make up a charming ensemble cast, reminding you what is brilliant and unique about teaching.
   The obsequious Inspector of the title has a relatively minor role, but Phinn describing the teachers reaction to his visit being that they think they are, "about to be lined up and shot." is spot on, although why this short and largely inconsequential visit merits his place in the title I don't know.
  However, Phinn has a marvellous turn of phrase, often making me laugh out loud, particularly Mrs. Robertshaw's rather forthright opinions; such as describing a pupil's singing voice being like, "a bat nailed to a door". For those moments alone, it is worth a read. As well as reminding me of teachers on Twitter, a bit like Mrs.  Devine such as: @bergistra, @RachelOrr, @betsysalt, @chocotzar, @vicgoddard and the teaching cast of Educating Yorkshire who too, never give up on the most difficult of pupils. If only all school inspectors had such respect for teachers and teaching.
 
9. 'The Fault in Our Stars' by John Green. Started 01/02/14  Finished 03/02/14
 
The last time I did considerable reading about terminal illness was for my Modern English Literature MA dissertation (1999-2001) that pitched autobiographical narratives of the terminally ill against Barthes "Death of the Author" theory. Why on EARTH did I decide that was a good idea? It scrambled my brain. However, John Diamond's "C: Because Cowards Get Cancer Too. ". Ruth Picardie's "Before I Say Goodbye." (which made me sob as it read it during my lunch break at Abbey Naitonal bank, big heaving sobs) and Susan Sontag's "Illness as Metaphor" are recommended reading if you'd like to read more on this emotive topic.
 
I began this book heavy hearted, because, as many of you know, I've had a little experience of loved ones with terminal cancer. Added to that was memories of our Year 11 boy who died from Leukaemia in October 2013, I was initially under a weighty emotional cloud when I picked up this book.  Another layer of residual emotional echoes was the beginning of The Six Nations rugby tournament. My dad was a rugby nut and I could picture him welded to the sofa in front of the rugby, growling and "harrumphing" at the Welsh team, who, to be fair, weren't that great when dad was alive. The sound of the Welsh National Anthem sang by a loyal and enthusiastic rugby stadium never fails to bring a tear to my eye.  Oh, erm what I digression, back to this book.
   The novel revolves around to terminally ill teenagers, Hazel and Augustus, who have resided for a long time in 'Cancervania' coping with living whilst dying. No, not 'coping with' but grasping onto life while their bodies genetic mutation works relentlessly against them.  I just loved them, and because I did, it lifted the emotinal weight I felt upon picking up the book.  Bright, intelligent, witty and brutally honest, they (nor the author) slip into mawkish sentimentality or traditional cancer cliches. Susan Sontag would heartily approve.
  I really valued the author rejecting the "people who die beautifully from cancer" cliches so often seen in TV and films.  There is no "beauty" in that kind of death at all, and so we learn so from this novel.  This is sensitively handled, whilst truthful to the glorious nature of the characters and the ugliness of a cancer death. 
  I was expecting to sob, but I did not. Not to say I wasn't moved, but this is somehow infused with hope, optimisim, love and life that I could not be snivelling snotty wreck at the end. It is definitely one of those books you really want others to read, but you'll be damned if you'll lend out your own copy.
 
 
It was really hard to choose the next book after, 'The Fault in our Stars', I think you need to allow it to linger and seap through your consciousness before working out what you are in the mood for next. I briefly started, 'if no one speaks of remarkeble things' by Jon McGregor (a gift from @Xris32), however, it contains an unusual form of prose poetry, a little like Dylan Thomas' style of prose writing, that felt too 'weighty' for me at this particular time. Light and fluffy was needed, so that's what I chose next.
 
10. "The Little White Car" by Danuta du Rhodes (or Dan Rhodes) Started 04/02/14  Finished 06/02/14
 
I love that he sets his books in Paris, a city which was can't help but 'auto-romanticise' thanks to many other texts that have gone before it. It is just far enough away to be slightly exotic, while near enough to us not to be too alien.
   The narrative centres around Veronique and her pretentious older boyfriend, who has the remarkabel ability to smoke during love-making without covering her in ash. (Men/potential suitors - this is NOT something you should aspire to, trust me). He has yet more unappealing qualities which makes their break-up at the beginning not too unsurprising. 
  The break-up sets off a chain of events, in a famous Parisian tunnel, on the very same night that something globally significant occurs.  What ensues is a whimsical buddy story with Veronique enlisting the help of long time friend Estelle, whilst her beloved St. Bernard, Cesar, pads around in blissful ignorance.
   This is a similar premise to Stoppard's "Rosencrantz and Gildernstern are Dead" where events of significance are viewed from the position of minor characters, a clever ruse that positions the audience/reader in a new place for a familiar narrative. Frankly, without giving too much away, Daily Express journalists should be sat down and made to read this, just to make them, y'know, 'chillax' a tad.
  Witty, whimsical and warm, this was a really pleasureable, unconventional romantic-comedy to read, and I really don't like romantic-comedies (films or novels) as a general rule.
 
11. 'Witch Light' by Susan Fletcher. Can't remember when I started or finished but it took me roughly 2 weeks to read.
 
Now, as the previous 10 books I have read took a mere matter of days, why did this one take two weeks? Was it because I didn't like it? Well, no, not at all.  It is to do with '
sorting out my life' stuff (Occ' Health and Counselling visits, careers advice, and meetings) and a horrid spell of anxiety that really kiboshes your concentration levels.
   The other reasons are more literary.  There are 'stars' of this novel, the main one being the 17th century setting of 'Glencoe', I mean look at it:
 
 
 
 
It's not a landscape you can travel through at any kind of quick pace. Wild, unspoilt and ouzing Eden like beauty, why the hell would you want to travel through this place quickly? I went to Glencoe as a student, camping near Loch Lomond (ye Gods, the midges!) and climbing the Aoenach Eagach Ridge, Buachaille Etive Mor, Bidean nam Bian (The Three Sisters) and Ben Nevis. (If you think pronouncing Welsh words is tricky, Gaelic is far more incomprehensible. At least Welsh is phonetic and yes, IT DOES HAVE VOWELS).
   Whilst climbing The Three Sisters, we stopped in awe at the sight of a large Stag, standing like a sentinel at the top of the mountain while our mouths turned into a collection of Os at it's eerie, dominating presence.
  Corrag a 'witch' is the narrator of the novel. She is locked and chained up in a cell, bruised and battered but stoical.  She is a surviving (not for much longer as she is due to be burned at the stake) witness of the army's massacre of the MacDonald (I may have got this wrong, @lisafarrel3 please correct me if needed) by the army. This provokes a visit from a highly religious Christian, Charles Leslie who is keen to find out what she knows.
   He arrives full of superstition and prejudice, but as Corrag speaks to him about the Glen, her involvement with the clan, how she actually uses herbs (to heal) how she connects intrinsically to all of nature, his wariness of the witch begins to fade. We learn this from the letters he writes home to his wife.
  Corrag's narration is a stream of consiousness - not quite as alientating as a Modernist James Joyce version - although it still takes some getting used to, whilst also slowing the pace at which you travel through time, space and place with her. 
  It is a novel in which you are entranced by Corrag, her love for the Clan that 'adopts' her and the glorious landscape of Glencoe, which is her home. I'm glad I read this slowly, letting it steep into my consciousness. A very intriging and beguiling read.
 
12. "I Partridge. We Need to Talk About Alan" Steve Coogan, Rob Gibbons, Armando Ianucci.  Started 21/02/14 - Finished 27/02/14
 
Another slowish read - again not because it wasn't good, or witty as the blurb tells me, but, because, you are delving deep into the psyche of Alan Partridge.  A genius comic creation who is: crass, deluded, arrogant, socially inept, pitiful - so it's not easy to spend a long time in his company. 
  This faux-autobiography follows most of the conventions - with the exception of excessive and what we would deem un-necessary footnotes - for Partridge doesn't credit his reader with being able to read sub-text, and/or he his 'control-freakery' nature means we are not allowed to mis-interpret what he writes.
  Toe-curling, witty, and a slightly painful read. I'm sure English teachers would find it useful for looking at autobiographical conventions, as he gets a good deal of that wrong. Glad I read it, also glad to finish it.
 
13. "Life After Life" Kate Atkinson - no idea when I started or finished it, but read it within about 5 days.
 
Now, this one won the "Costa Novel Award 2013" so as a hard and fast Costa addict, I had to pick this up for a read, didn't I? On the front cover adjectives such as, "Dazzling" and "Triumphant" are used, so expectations are raised before the book is even opened.
   It is a knowingly clever book for the conceit, or question posed by the author is: "What if you could re-boot your life, over and over, until you get things right or at least better?" - perhaps following the premise of a video game character who has several lives.
   The protagonist (or is it protagonists?) is Ursula-a strong willed heroine who is easy to root for as the narratives unfold.  There are so many 're-boots' to her life that I have no idea how many there are.  This does lead an intelligent reader to ponder: is this a novel? Or is it a collection of short stories about the same character? By the end, I was no nearer the answer to that question. In fact, the ambiguous ending reminded me of how a Year 11 class respond to the ending of Priestley's "An Inspector Calls" - that slight aura of exasperation pervades the ending.
   That said, Atkinson has moments of brilliance in this text, particularly the description of Ursula's role in the The Blitz of WWII and more horrific was a description of her relationship with an abusive, controlling and psychopathic man.
  I can't agree with the adjectives of "dazzling" and "Triumphant" - it is not consistently wonderful, in the same way Williams' "Stoner" is - but I was sufficiently enamoured and intrigued by Ursula to find it an enjoyable read.
 
14. "Little Hands Clapping" Dan Rhodes - read in about 3 days straight after the Atkinson.
 
As you'll be able to notice from previous entries, I am rather fond of reading Dan Rhodes novels - many thanks to @LisaFarrell3 for introducing him to me AND lending me all the books of his I've read so far.
  This novel is nothing like the ones I have read so far, it is wonderfully macabre with a cast of odd, but lovable characters.  Even with the main anatagonist, whose 'hobby' is somewhat unconventional and a tad gorey,  Rhodes somehow creates considerable pathos for him, so you are never truly disgusted by his words and deeds.
  Set somewhere and sometime in Germany there are key locations such as a museum to suicide (I know, right?) and its Egor-like curator and a picturesque village in Italy where narratives of requited and unrequited love amongst the young unfold, re-fold and unravel. Initially parallel narratives, they converge much later on in a typically Rhodes fashion - where one should safely expect the unexpected.
  Macabre, gothic, whimsical, gruesome and witty, it was my favourourite Rhodes book to date. More, give me more Rhodes!
 
15. "Alice Hartley's Happiness" Phillippa Gregory.  Lent to me by my sister.
 
Gregory is much better known for her historical novels: "The Other Boleyn Girl" and "The White Queen" succesfully adapted into a film and TV series respectively. This was all the contact I'd had with Gregory's work before now.
   This, well this one is absolutely nothing like ANY of these. Set in the contemporary town (or city?) of Suffix - see what she did there English teacher nerds - where Alice Hartley's husband is a Professor at their local university, who is making the most of the adoration of a young, blonde female student whilst paying little heed to his wife Alice.
   After a momentous confrontation, Alice decides enough is enough and makes her escape from her loveless marriage with the aid of the hapless, overwhelmed and naive student Michael, whom she seduces in both the physical and more metaphorical senses.
  A wonderful supporting character is Michael's Aunty Sarah who cheats death more than once, only to blossom under Alice's dubious versions of alternative therapies and a considerable amound of elderflower champagne.
  Well paced with a cast of characters reminiscent of some of our best British sit-coms - peppered with a spot of Post-modern direct address to the reader - this well written, well plotted, hugely funny and a bloomin' great read.
 
16. "The Little Lady Who Broke All The Rules" Catharina Ingelman-Sundberg
 
I bought this in Waterstones upon recoommendation of the sales assistant, plus it was half price. I am weak in the face of a reasonably priced book. Fact.
  Sundberg is a Swedish author and I am more than a little au fait with Scandi-Noir authors, so this was a clear departure from that particular ouvre, it being a 'comedy'. Looks like the Vulcan-like Swedes (stereotype, I know) can do humour too.
  The premis is untaxing - a little old lady, who notices that her living conditions in her care home are worse than that of a Swedish prison, decides to embark on a Robin Hood style adventure. Robbing from the rich to give to the elderly, infirm and disadvantaged.
  The novel was an easy enough read - well suited to 'brain is fondue' end of term state of mind or holiday reading. 
  I wonder if humour is more difficult to translate? So much GOOD humour rests on word play, shared cultural understanding,meaning pragmatics can be much more easily lost in translation. It was OK, but I think I'd prefer a Nordic Nesbo any day.
 
17. "Why Johnny Can't Read: and what you can do about it." Rudolf Flesch
 
Undertaken with the aims of improving my own learning about English and the process of reading, I asked to borrow some books about phonics from @oldandrewuk, a Maths teacher, who has FAR more knowledge about this than I, an English teacher. A further motivation for reading such a book has been meeting and be-friending @ThinkingReading who runs her own phonics programme for Secondary Schools. So, painfully aware of my conscious incompetence in this (controversial) area, I began reading.
   Firstly, it's important to note that this text is focusing on American education systems and structures, not British - however, there is much that is relevent to teachers of English at all Key Stages.
  Secondly, it's style is polemical. Not shying away from rhetoric, Flesch's mission is to convince the reader of the uselessness of teaching reading by whole word recognition, whilst championing the use of systematic phonics teaching to do it better, far better.
  The polemical sections are book-ended by a letters to a parent and a teacher, where emotional pleas are made to each so that phonics are used to teach pupils who to read. Not recognise the 'shape' of a word to recognise the whole word, but to 'read' the word properly, removing the guesswork element of whole word recognition.
  Between each letter, Flesch documents, still in a highly rhetorical fashion, the history and process of teaching reading in American schools. The most disturbing element was the list of words (short, and ever shorter, reminiscent of Orwell's "1984" and those in power controlling vocabulary via the issuing of ever shorter dictionaries) and the 'readers' written to encompass a very small, vocabulary with nonesenical levels of repetition, to the extent that narratives are not narratives at all. How on earth was this going to make pupils better readers? Why on earth had the teaching of the alphabet and its sounds been abandoned so completely? Well, via poorly executed educational research, and, erm, rhetoric.
  Reading this left me questioning my own education at primary and junior schools. I don';t actually remember being taught to read, but I have always been a very competent reader.More worryingly, during my PGCE there was absolutely NOTHING taught to us trainee English teachers about how reading is taught at KS1 and 2. The last time I spent any significant time in a KS2 school was during my PGCE. Why don't English teachers spend time in Primary schools on an anual basis? Why had I not really heard of phonics teaching until our school bought in 'Read/Write Inc' to improve our literacy? Why such a MASSIVE gaping whole in my own knowledge about the mechanical and cognitive processes of how we learn to read?
  Through Flesch's rhetoric, he prevents a very convinving case indeed for the real benefits to using phonics, and properly, not half heartedly, to teach reading (rather than word recognition) which provide phonics taught readers with the ability to read words with much greater competence and competence than via the whole word recognition route.
  Clearly I am at the tip of a large ice-berg, more reading about phonics is clearly required, inbetween novels. I am not surrendering my novel reading, no sirree.
 
18. "Moll Flanders" Daniel DeFoe - too about 2 weeks to read
 
I first came across DeFoe as an undergraduate in Year 2 of my degree course with "The Journal of a Plague Year".  Our lecturer for this section (We also studied "The Rape of the Lock" by Pope along with the emergence of the novel as an art form) was very formidable, and frankly, I was quite intimidated. I do not remember much about "The Journal of the Plague Year" except that it was a drudge to get through, I really didn't enjoy it. Ergo, I approached the reading of Moll Flanders with some trepidation.
   I do remember watching the ITV adaptaton with Alex Kingston as Moll anda pre-Bond Daniel Craig (FAR less sexier then, it has to be said) which was pacy and bawdy. I cannot say the same for DeFoe's novel, however, the approach of the adapters makes the text work for the medium of TV.
  Moll, begins her tale as a young girl who does not know her parentage but is fortunate enough to end up in service in a household that shows her some compassion.  Her unknown parentage has signficant and damning consequences later on. So begins Molls all to unfortunate encounters with men who promise her much, but deliver very, very little. Consequently, she enters a series of unfortunate and ill advised marriages, one of which turns out to be accidental incest (remember her unknown parantage?) and not forgetting the bigamy that comes as a result of these numerous marraiges; prostitution, conning, theft & burglary.
  Moll, as a our narrator, is sometime incredibly naive, honest, rarely desperate and somehow conducts herself through all this with an element of dignity.  At the very end we are cheering for her as she stands in the dock and whilst she awaits her sentencing, which we and she believe to be execution.
 Although we empathise with her, DeFoe cleverly avoids pity for Moll. She maybe a 'victim' of a society that seems to only favour males and the well-born, however she never accepts that label.  She is driven by a will to live, to survive and the hope that things can and should be better. When she is almost totally devoid of hope in her prison cell, she finds solace and redemption via the kindness and patience of the prison chaplain along with the acceptance and remorse for her sins.
  DeFoe cleverly use Moll's narration as a cypher (I maybe using that word incorrectly) so that he can make criticisms of a society that fails someone who is without 'class'. The injustices present during society at the time are laid bare for all to see, should they wish to.
  I can't say I enjoyed DeFoe's prose style any more than I did the first time, but I have grown a better appreciation of his work as a result of reading Moll Flanders. I now need to and want to read far more Pre 19th C fiction to get with the new GCSE Specs' programme, sharpish.
 
19. "The Red House" Mark Haddon - less than a week to read.
 
Prior to Haddon novel, I have read "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime" and "A Spot of Bother" - so I could be described as a 'fan'.
  The Red House centres on two disparate and fractured branches of a family, a brother, sister, their spouses and offspring, who have been set adrift by the death of their mother, effectively making them adult orphans. 
  In an attempt to build bridges, the younger, but wealthier brother, books a holiday cottage in Wales for both families to spend time together.  In the preceeding years of their adult life, this has not been a usual occurance. Thus setting the stage for a range of tensions to surface between the adults and their offspring.
  Haddon provides a range of narrative viewpoints swapping between the siblings, and their children.  The narrative has increasing focus on the teenage daughter, a devout and vcocal Christian who is also going through a period of sexual awakening. This character is faced with a troubling but perhaps familiar internal conflict between her religious views (the main cause of tension between her and her mother) and her awakening sexuality. Meanwhile, the mother seems to be unravelling while she is confronted with memories of a daughter who died prematurely.
  As ever, Haddon seems to have show great understanding of his characters mental problems (A Spot of Bother focuses on a man having a mental breakdown) so allowing the reader to greatly empathise with them, even though we could describe them as deeply flawed. 
  Multiple narrative view points in a novel always provide an extra degree of challene when reading a text, this being quite a departure for Haddon who, in previous novels, has really focused his narrative on one character and their battles withn themselves. Neither does the narrative end neatly, which, just as in real family lives - our narratives do not end neatly either.
  I definitely enjoyed reading it, but do think I enjoyed The Curious Incident of the Dog in the NIghtime (read mostly in one sitting) and A Spot of Bother much more.
 
20. Phil Beadle 'How to Teach' kindle addition - read over 4 or 5 days.
 
Motivations for reading this were many. Over the past 12 months or so I had become utterly drained, disillusioned and demoralised by being an English teacher. Over the past 12 years, I've given, and given, and given, and given to this rather unique job and was lacking in any more to give. Previous blog posts tell you in detail why this has been so, so there is no need to repeat that here.  I have been out of the classroom for a while to needed reminding about what the job is about, why it is worthwhile doing, and how to do it well.
  I have briefly been in the presence of Mr. Beadle at my first ever Teach Meet in London, organised by @TeacherToolkit about 2 years ago (Where did the time go?). He did a micro-presentation about plenaries - what was at the time his new book - which although all too brief (Why wasn't he asked to do a Key Note rather than this?) showed me the man knew his classroom onions. When the Teach Meet ended, Mr. Beadle strode past me, with the confidence of Heathcliff and wild hair to match; because he was 'off the tele' I was uber-star struck and lacked the courage to make eye-contact, never mind introduce myself.
  This is a book that has PGCE students and NQTs in mind - so should be viewed as a general source of advice for new teachers, rather than a prescriptive Bible of teaching. And, if you have feet in the 'progressive' or 'traditional' camps - then you will find suitable advice, gleaned from experience in some of London's toughest secondary schools, for each view.
  What is particularly useful, I found, was the sections on behaviour management and how to, as Tom Bennett phrases it, how to run your room. When you've been out of the classroom for a while - a week, a month, several months, this is the bit of teaching that will cause you the greatest amount of worry. Beadle has an irreverant style, doesn't peddle 'bullshit' (a not to Old Andrew there) and offers more than one way to skin the educational cat.
  Beadle also offers a range of teaching ideas that are imaginative, creative, and sometimes a little mind- boggling. He does advocate group work as an effective method of teaching, but does issue some good guidelines about how to make it work (I'm still quite hit and miss with group work), you could argue his methods are 'progressive' but not entirely so. Returning to his behaviour management advice, there are 'traditional' methods at the heart of how he believes teachers should be. In my experience, that is the way of the English teacher.
  Beadle's very distinctive voice makes this an enjoyable read, and from an experienced teacher's point of view, I recognised much in his anecdotes, and could reflect on errors I had made in my own teaching from a safe distance. This is a really useful book to dip your teaching toe into, remembering to pick and choose what best suits you as a teacher. I now have 'Dancing with Architecture' and 'Plenary' in my pedagogical book armoury. So much to read, so little time.
 
21. "The Constant Princess" Phillipa Gregory
 
As you can see from earlier on in this blog, I had read a Gregory book before and thoroughly enjoyed it. I began this novel with the notion I would enjoy this one in the same way.
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



 

 
























 
   
 
 

Friday, 27 December 2013

#Nurture1314 - Hopes & goals for 2014


Having done much head scratching, time to crack on with aims for 2014. I have done much head scratching, but thought I'd better just crack on with it.

1. A bit like Polonius in Hamlet, I am prone to prolixity, nevermind beating around the bush, I can do the full tango round it, see I'm doing it now. Nelson, be more concise and direct in thoughts, words and deeds.

2. Family - I have merged into the background as a family member, ergo I have neglected them - that old work/life balance thingummy again. This needs to be put right.

3. Friends - I have tested their patience recently, I'm sure. Some old but loved friendships have sufffered over the past year or two, these need to be healed. I'm not quite sure how to go about it, so any advice greatfully received.  I really want to maintain good twitter friendships with all the folk I've met and spent time with so far. You know who you are, and you have kept me afloat in so many ways this year. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

4. A long distance open water swim. This was on last year's list, not done so I need to make it happen this year don't I? Stage 1 - buy a wetsuit, Stage 2 - get in and out of said wetsuit succesfully without pulling a muscle....

5. Deal with the Black Dog better - spending time with family and friends (points 2 and 3) should help with me re-joining the human race, a new hobby, being honest with my doctors and nurse practitioners will help here too. Keep in touch with my #BDamigos on Twitter and blogging will help here too.

6. New job - time out of secondary school teaching is needed before this academic year is up. However, I am not done with education, and I don't think education is done with me yet either. Suggestions as to WHERE I could be well used in differernt educational contexts would be MOST welcome. I am applying for a job as we speak, then speaking to a careers advisor the first week of January. I am also in dicsussions with @StephenDCook about his school in Sierra Leone. We have emailed, and he has told me, bless him, that I would be a 'real asset'. It would be voluntart, I'd have to sort out funding, which may involve selling my house, but with all that's occured while I've been in it, no great loss! However, I'd welcome suggestions of how else I could fund it e.g. asking for sponsorship from pliable businesses, please do leave comments if you have any ideas. *eyelash flutter*

7. Writing - through my blog I have found my blogging niche which seams to be mostly 'brutal honesty' or words to that effect. These are the post that have received the most views. I'd like to improve my writing, like my dear friend @Xris32 perhaps get paid work for writing, and eventually work up to writing a book.

8. The new hobby - I've been Gareth Maloned - I want to join a choir. What's not to love about that? I'm an alto - anyone know of choirs near Atherstone, let me know!

9. Stand-up comedy - I love going to watch this, and I was doing so well on this last year up to when school started in September.

10. Theatre - It has been WAY too long since I've been to the theatre, but this will be put right soon enough with @LisaFarrelll3 and @SaysMiss with trips to Warwick Arts in the pipeline. I haven't been to The Globe in London in 2 years, I need to go there soon! A joyous place to watch a Shakespeare play. Love, love, love it! Anyone want to come with me, say Easter Hols, get in touch!

11. Cooking. I can't remember the last time I actually cooked something decent from scratch, not so much as a Spag Bol. I can cook a mean risotto, a very nice salmon in foil with tomato, balsamic vinegar, garlic and honey. I do a mean chocolate mousse (ask @rlj1981), I can follow a recipe. I also need to cook very healthily to help with the Black Dog too.

12. Cinema - I love going, somethings just need to be seen on the big screen. I aim to get @Chocotzar out to the cinema more often. Got it lady!

13. Meet more Twitter folk (I'll no doubt add to this as time goes by and I remember more names of peeps I want to meet). I'd love to meet: @deadshelly @Pekabelo @vicgoddard @SaysMiss @JamesTheo @tstarkey1212 @flackneymike @JanetteBaker @TeacherGhost (I've got your Stollen love!) @Janeyb222 @JoBaker @scjmcd @CazzyPot @creascentcolours @Jo_Ms_H  @TeacherTweeks @k8rock @janbaker97 @ljrn42 @steer_michael @Mr @cherryylkd @MissBex_M and her mum @biggs_debra @blondebonce @smanfarr @AndrewCowley @MrsRWood @jk_greaves

29th December 2014 - Made good head-way on this one already. I met new people at the #MiddleEarthTweetUp in Sutton Coldfield and met the following:

@cazzypot @TessaLMatthews, @clerktogoverner @sputniksteve @FG20 @RuthKRobinson @Ingotian along with established Twitter chumes @Chocotzar @oldandrewuk and @danielharvey9  Was GUTTED to have missed @webofsubstance who left before I arrived.

14. a) Get an adrenaline rush - do a bungy jump or a parachute jump, Zorbing, white water rafting, Zombie run, that kinda thing.
      b) Keep participating in @ieshasmalls 'Miind-Shackles' photography project. I hate being photographed but I Iesha made me feel relaxed in her company and I really enjoyed it.
      c) If I don't need to sell the house, get the hideous attic room 'done' and maybe take in a lodger - no pyschopaths please. :-)
      d) I have read voraciously while off work, so like some Twitter friends of mine, want to read at least 50 in 2014 AND use my blog to keep a record, even if brief of it. First up will be Jo Nesbo's 'The Redbreast' started in 2013 and will be finished 2014.
    e) Last one, promise...ahem.... get to grips with my iPad better. I have masses of apps on it I barely know how to use. Shame on me.

Monday, 23 December 2013

#Nurture1314 - 2013 review

Good God! A year has gone by all ready? Spurred on by @Chocotzar's wonderful #Nurture1314 review, I'm grabbing the Unicorn by the horn and following suit.

Whilst I'm walking with the Black Dog, this will be a bit like extracting a tooth, but nevertheless incredibly therapeutic to find, remember and write about the good things of 2013. So, without further ado, here goes.

1. This Blog. I have been writing on this for just over a year now and have very much enjoyed the process, especially when positive feedback has been received by Twitter or through comments on this blog.  The blog has had 28,000+ page views to date and my most popular post has been 'The Yin and Yang of The Question Grid' at 5,000+ views whilst my second most popular has, surprisingly, been 'In The Presence of Psychopathy' a narration of a dark moment of domestic violence, receiving over 1, 000 page views (my original claim of 2, 000+ views applies to 'The Doctor's Note' post - doh!). I shall discuss this more in number 2!

2. Squaring up to a personal demon by writing 'In The Presence of Psychopathy', a mercifully short, but nevertheless dramatic account of what can best be described as an attempt on my life by a man who was my partner at the time.  The most I'd told anybody about this was that,"He'd tried to attack me." never going into any detail, not being able to face up to it.  I published it via Twitter and Facebook and the response was remarkable. Adjectives such as 'brave' and 'heroic' were used to describe me, how odd, how incongruous. I am, nevertheless, utterly grateful for such positivity to emerge from such a bleak moment in my Jeremy Kyle life.

3. Presenting at some Teach Meets, if memory serves it they have been: Teach Meet Finham, Teach Meet Brun where @kevbartle was a total ROCK and held my hand afterwards as I was vibrating with nerves both before and afterwards; Teach Meet English in Leeds, and most recently Teach Meet English in Derby with @Xris32 as organiser and fab support (bloody lovely cakes too Chris, well done that man). I have an abject fear of speaking in front of my peers - I think I'm starting to crack it!

4. Teach Meet English in Derby allowed me to meet @LisaFarrell3 - who, as it turns out is the wife of a certain Mr. Farrell who I worked with for 5 years in Tamworth. It's a small world huh? We are now firm Costa and book swap buddies and have some theatre trips in the pipeline.

5. @rlj1981  Rachel invited me down to stay with her in Portsmouth over the summer holiday, a brave move considering I'd only met Rachel twice. Once at #PedagooLondon and the second at the Wellington Education Festival. One visit turned into two over the Summer, and I now feel like her house is very much a second home and Rachel is very much a great friend. Her boys are just lovely, if exhausting! I am back with Rachel for New Year, for another wee Christmas and to make chocolate mousse.

6. Stand-Up comedy. I got into a good habit of going to see local stand-up gigs in a local village called Appleby Magna, which sadly, disappeared come start of school in September - something to resurrect in 2014 I think. Even better I have seen Al Murray and Rich Hall live at Warwick Arts Centre. Nothing short of brilliant.

7. Gromit Unleashed Tweet-up in Bristol organised by @theheadsoffice.  A day of pure unadulterated joy, spent with @Chocotzar and daughter, @RichardFiona and hubby, @betsysalt, @rlj1981, @csf0961, @KDWScience, @digitaldaisies, @hrogerson, @aknill. We walked, we talked, we laughed, we found lots of Gromits and posed for lots of photos, we ate, we drank wine. An exhausting but immensely enjoyable day.

8. Being published by The Guardian Education Network. OK, both times it was anonymous, still, I HAVE BEEN PUBLISHED BY A NATIONAL BROADSHEET. So there. *blows raspberry*

9. Maintained my monthly trips with @Dyskadores (Lisa) to Birmingham for essential purchases from Lush and being ladies that lunch, init.

10. During the Twitter Summer of Love Road-Trip - I enjoyed a drunken, but not so debauched Tweet-Up in Watford with @kevbartle (Helene was as near as dammit there, phone technology and all that), @danielharvy9, @Thatch_Teach and the wonderfulness that was @mrpalomar1.  Oh how it pains me to speak of him in the past tense, but I am also lucky to have spent time with such as man as Jon who was the very definition of 'gentleman' and easily one of the most cultured people I've ever met. We talked, we drank, we played pool to varying degrees of success, we ate and Kev fed us a breakfast fit for a King. Thanks to Kev for being a great host and Helene for 'loaning' him to us for the weekend!

11. Actually had a holiday in a school holiday for the first time in about 6 years. It was with my Brum buddy @Dykadores and we went to Dublin during the Easter break.  The exhaustion of the excrutiatingly early start was easily forgotton upon tasing the Beef and Guinness Stew in the Guinness musuem and the surpringly choco-gasmic chocolate and Guinness mousse. It was our first holiday together, we enjoyed it and more importantly, did not want to kill each other after 3 days together.

12. The peculiar warmth of Twitter. I have met many people on Twitter in the flesh, in 'high defnition' as it were. Here are some particular highlights: @chocotzar who is an awesome support on and off-line and now a great cinema buddy, @betsysalt bloomin' lovely and another constant source of support and encouragement, @csf0961 - I was a 'subject' for her MA and in return I received beautiful flowers and lovely cake, win. @HYWEL_ROBERTS who hugged me upon sight at Wellington Festival and again at #TeachMeetBrumXmas whilst keeping me company before the eveing started. @oldandrewuk - a surprising one this, and not to give too much away, but felt quite Hobbit sized in his company. I have converted him to the occasional Costa - he prefers a hot chocolate but one day, you never know, a Salted Caramel Latte may change his view of hot beverages. He IS tall, he is not 'old' and neither is he made of straw. I very nearly forgot @85teachergirl who has been a great source of humour and support via Twitter and DMs. We finally met at Teach Meet English in Derby and a Costa catch up is on the cards. Fab lady. Fact.

13. Meeting the Welsh author Malcolm Pryce @exogamist in Oxford with @Dyskadores. This was only mid-November, easily one of my most perfect days out. Lisa and I arrived at Oxford in the morning and we spent a lovely time around the dreaming spires, pootling around the indoor market and a lunching in Pizza Express. There there was the wait for Malcolm to arrive in the designated pub. He turned up, it was a bit awkward and nerve wracking to start, we relaxed and chatted about cheese and Ofsted - amongst other things - we thawed and left, each having convinced the other we were not that weird really. He gave us some Aberystwyth Rock, signed our Aberystwyth books and gave us a lovely hug before we parted ways. He tells us, if we behave ourselves, we can meet again in the New Year. Bring. It. On.

Friday, 13 December 2013

The Doctor's note

So, not even a full term in of this and I have been signed off 'unfit for work' by my GP due to depression, mainly to facilitate a change in my anti-depressant medication, but also, in my own words to the doctor, 'I am just not coping.'

If you ARE coping, I salute you, I do, really. *commences Wayne's World bowing'

There are many factors which have lead me to this less than brilliant state of remaining on anti-depressants and being signed off by my doctor.  I do not want to, and nor should I, discuss specifics of my school, which would be daft, foolish and idiotic.  I will have to be more general, I hope you appreciate why.

1. The GCSE Results fiasco of 2012 chain of events.

  • I had a gorgeous class of all girls and worked together like trojans, and the majority did get grades between A*-C, some didn't. This was due to the grade boundary shifts from the exam board.  The department overall came off badly due to this grade boundary shift, thus leaving all of us with an overhelming sense of disappointment. It was crushing.
  • This also had an affect on my progression to UPS2 (that's as much as I'm going to say about that).
  • Our dip in results could be what triggered our Ofsted inspection around this time last year, where our school came out as a Category 4 'Serious Weaknesses'.
  • I was  observed during the inspection and eventually found out my lesson was Requires Improvement. My previous year's lesson observation was Outstanding - so the 'down grade' was crushing.
  • Confidence crushed I struggled to get out of the RI grade for the rest of the academic year.
  • Working in a Category 4 school is highly pressured for everyone. Staff are constantly looking over respective shoulders wondering when the next visit will be. That's just how it is.
  • Working in a Category 4 school, in a department found wanting means increased level of scrutiny in many areas. This is common, I believe, in schools or departments in similar circumstances. Nevertheless, it is a difficult way in which to work, depression or not, it can create or feed paranoia in staff.
There are many more specific things that have contributed to me being here, but it would do me no favours to write about them on here.

2. Those pesky, meddling politicians

  • So, first body blow was the GCSE results fiasco of 2012
  • Policitians using the Press and broadcast news to vent their negative political rhetoric about schools, exam results, teachers and teaching.
  • Our pay-freeze and increase in pension contributions combined with the increased cost of living, which, for all of us, means a significant loss of income
  • Constant meddling with the English GCSE - e.g. changes to 'worth' of Speaking and Listening part-way through the course for Yr 10s.  It may have been necessary, but for it to occur part-way through the academic year was poor for pupils and a blow for teachers and their ability to do forward planning for the courses they teach.
  • The move to performance related pay - pay does not motivate me as a teacher, but rather recognition of a job well done.  I find this hugely demotivating, with the likely outcome being the Government getting an awful lot more work out of me, for much less money. 
  • The seemingly increased 'power' of Ofsted over schools, where the 'data is King' approach which, I think, leads to some morally suspect decision making over when pupils are entered for exams, the exam boards chosen in order to show 'X' levels of 'progress' in order to achieve the desired Ofsted grading. (This is a deliberate generalisation). Somewhere along the line, some humanity has got lost.
  • League tables - they have been nothing short of poisonous to schools since they were introduced and are the root cause of many difficulties and difficult decisions that school leaders are forced to make.

3. Work/life balance

  • I have been teaching English, a core subject, for 12 years.  The last three years have been the most difficult that I can remember in those 12 years. I think has always been notoriously difficult for English teachers to gain work/life balance, mainly due to the marking load, as with Humanities or  MFL teachers, I know we are not entirely alone on this.
  •  Despite trying to be stricter with myself with how much work I do outside of the classroom, as term progressed, I found myself working longer in the evenings, more hours on a Sunday and too exhausted to do anything enjoyable on a Saturday, my one day off work. On that Saturday, I had to do my 'domestic duties' but was also doing less and less of it as I was so utterly exhausted. My house was becoming more and more chaotic and hovel like.
  • I was having no time to speak to my family, spend any time with my friends (oh how that must test their patience) or eat properly.
  •  I was too busy to keep up my exercise regime which is my No. 1 defence against the old Black Dog, combined with parents' evenings falling on one of my circuit class nights, knocking out one of my few times to exercise and socialise outside of school hours.
  • For all those 12 years I have lived by myself and for much, (not all, but much) of that time I have been single. The 60-70 hour week and constant exhaustion has to be a factor here, I am not going with the 'I'm sub-normal' or 'unlovable' thing.
  • The combination of the long hours of teaching, living alone and singleness, I have realised, is an unhealthy combination. I have tried to make this 'work' for 12 years, but it hasn't worked. I've been on and off anti-depressants since my dad passed away in 2005.
  • Do I think this state of affairs is acceptable anymore? I don't think I do.
4. Health and well-being

I used to have the constitution of an ox, however, as time has gone by during those 12 years, I have an increasing range of persistent minor illnesses, some maybe not so minor.

  • An annual sinus infection, usually hitting me around November, if not then January or February. If you've never had one, just think yourself lucky!
  • Recurring ear infections
  • Eczema - this was particularly bad when I took the yr 11 girls group through legacy spec GCSE English and new Spec Lang/Lit in 2 years (3 courses in 2 years, yes!). I had constant allergic reactions on my skin over a period of 2-3 months leading me to eventually need a spell on steroids (I now know how The Hulk feels!) it now reccurs on my hand and legs and is tiggered by stress.
  • Plantar Faciitis - which is tendon damage to my feet, meaning acute foot pain in the mornings and consistent foot pain during the day. This weas initially triggered by my running habit and my naturally flat feet. The cure is 'rest' so I no longer, run, don't run in my circuit class, but I spend most of the day on my feet, so, it doesn't really get better.
Therefore,  as well as my current prescription for anti-depressants I have repeat prescriptions for eczema cream, anti-biotic ear drops and am never without ibuprofen handy for my mal-functioning feet.

5. Personal, one could say 'catastrophic' events since being in this school (I concede, few of these will be unique to me, but the combination might be!)

  • The psychopathic boyfriend - see my previous post 'In the presence of psychopathy'
  • The death of a dear colleague from my first teaching school, Marg, our wonderful tea lady
  • The sudden death of my friend Anthony Fairhurst in the same year as Marg going
  • Falling for a fella big style, and it going pear shaped - sounds minor but god did I do some crying, my self-esteem was battered by this
  • The burglary by my neighbours - meaning the Clogau Gold 'Cariad' ring my mum bought me when my dad died and my Clogau Cariad Cross my sister bought me from Aberaeron (dad's favourite place) were lost forever. I am still in mourning for them. I am still heartbroken about my 'dad ring' being lost forever.  I had to live next door to these neighbours for another 6 months (could be longer) after this burglary. A hateful and immensely stressful experience.
  • My grandmother, the last of my grandparents' died earlier this year. Now, this is terrible to confess to, but I can't remember the exact month. It was warm and sunny, so I think it could have been June or July. I am upset that I can't remember this.
  • A short but painful period of being stalked and harrassed by a Polish man at the start of this academic year. In the 'stalker-o-meter' scale it was relatively minor, however, I was genuinely disturbed and frightened by it.
So, when you average a 12 hr day, and between 60 -70 hrs a week, what you don't get time for is to 'process' these events, your feelings are put on the backburner, parked and boxed up while you plough on with your job. By 'you' I guess I mean 'me', that is what I have done. This is not good for my physical or emotional well-being.

6. Family stuff

  • My uncle got re-married in May 2012, I couldn't go because it was during the week in term time, down in Pembrokeshire  - exam season -so I didn't even bother for asking for time off to attend.
  • Three of my cousins have had children in the last 18 months, I have yet to meet my new family members due to work-load committments. I think this is rubbish, I'd grade myself at least as an RI family member due to this.
How did I know I was 'not-copng' and that the doctor's visit was necessary? Outwardly I can appear just fine, I can do a good job of acting 'fine' - but inside, it is very different.

  • Chronic insomnia
  • Barely eating or not eating at all
  • The monosyllabic communication and monotone voice
  • Some erratic behaviour
  • Not 'in control' of my emotions, sometimes in lessons
  • The 'black thoughts' entering my head again
  • Chronic exhaustion
  • Crawling into my shell or 'building a chrysallis' - wanting to hide from life
  • Sobbing in my classroom on my own at the end of a particularly awful day
  • A general massive dip in confidence in the classroom and my self-esteem
Worries attached to being signed off:
  • the extra pressure it puts on friends and colleagues back at school and the guilt that goes along with that
  • how this affects the pupils in my class
  • resentment that that could build up in colleagues and pupils
  • my future employability, quality of references I may get
  • how it will be when (or if) I manage to step back in a classroom
  • I don't want this to be a recurring cycle  - e.g in at 'full whack' - crack - signed off  and continuing to take anti-depressents. This is not what I want my life to be like.
How am I trying to get better?
  • I am actually sleeping; this is rather novel for a chronic insomniac
  • I am doing an awful lot of reading
  • not dwelling on the points above re. work
  • making sure I am not alone for long spells
  • exercise
  • Yes, using Twitter to keep in touch with fellow teacher friends in a similar position: @aknill, @LGolton, @bellale and @MrsRWood to name but a few. We check in on each other, bolster each other in low spells, hand out advice to each other, generally jolly each other along through the bleak moments
  • still need to sort out healthier eating, eating patterns are still quite erratic and appetite is variable

What next?

I have to make some big scary decisions about my future as a teacher, mainly if I want to continue to do so or not? I have sobbed over this very thought many, many times, as I never thought this was a place I would ever be. 'Teacher' has run through me like Blackpool Rock for 12 years, is it going to continue, and should it, if this is the mental and physical effect it has on me is this?


Thursday, 5 December 2013

In the presence of psychopathy

 Nigella Lawson's all too public pains with Charles Saatchi have made some rather unpleasant memories of mine bubble up to the surface, so, much like lancing a boil I am going to write about these unpleasant memories, purge them in the hope it will do me and whoever may choose to read it, some form of good.

I hope you are sitting comfortably now, as you may not be so comfortable later on in this post.

These memories have been partially buried for some 3 1/2 years. I have a feeling this is going to hurt. I have never really spoken to anyone explicitly about these events, not friends, family or even my CBT counsellor. See, I am fudging already, delaying the exposure, fighting the memories. So, let's crack on.

I was in a relationship with a man about three and a half years ago, for a grand total of 18 months. He was a friend of a friend who lived on my street, also living on the same street. It is a blessing it was so relatively short, as he was a relentless bully, an ego centric and controlling. These characteristics gradually revealed themselves over the 18 months and these two incidents I will narrate illustrate this, I hope, with great clarity. 

The Epitome of Awkward

I'm guessing it was about three Christmas breaks ago now, but I am not entirely sure, that I drove down to his mother's house with him. I had never met or even spoken to his mother before, although she seemed to phone him daily.  It was not an onerous drive, as it was only to Northamptonshire, nevertheless I was as apprehensive as you might expect. 

We arrived and I walked in with him nervously. She greated her son warmly, turned to me and asked, "And you are?" 
Now, she wasn't being rude, she genuinely didn't know who I was.  I'd been her son's partner for about a year, yet she knew nothing about me.

I blushed, smiled awkwardly and introduced myself.  She really was a lovely woman, even whilst I was there, he often spoke to her with contempt in his voice.  I found that wearing and worrying .

The time came to go to bed, we slept in his old bedroom, cramped, full of old computer games (he worked in IT) and the room was dark and dingy, probably unchanged since he was a teenager.  There were twin beds.  I was tired from the drive and 'being good' in the presence of his poor behaviour towards his mother and climbed into bed. 

The bed had a huge, thick, feather duvet on. I am allergic to feathers, I had no anti-histamines with me so it was not long before I began sneezing constantly, and soon began wheezing like Darth Vader.  I blew my snotty nose.

"Shut up." he said sharply.
"But I'm..." I attempted to explain the allergy problem, he cut in.
"Shut UP!" with a more aggressive tone in his voice.
I attempt again to explain, "I'm a...."
"STOP IT AND SHUT UP" he cut in again.

I lie in my bed, trying to keep control of my breathing. Miserable, trapped, and fearful I lay still, working out what I can do.  I just want to leave. I take some time to work up the courage to do something, knowing he is angry. I need to leave.

Slowly and carefully I climb out of bed, taking great care not to make much noise. Finding my mobile phone for light, I move towards my clothes to get dressed, then find my bag and other belongings so I can just leave. It is the dead of night.

He lunged out of bed, turned that light on and grabbed my wrists, swinging me about the room, shouting at me (I cannot remember what was said). I think I rasp a, "Let go of me." and he does.

I remember him saying something absurd like, "I thought you were doing it for attention." At no point did the fact that I was genuinely unwell cross his mind.  Somehow I eventually manage to tell him I am unwell. He is later apologetic, not that I believed him. 

We complete the stay with his mother; I remain there out of nothing more simple than fear.  I don't really tell anyone about this afterwards due to deep, deep shame. 

It took me another 6 months and a much more frightening episode before I did, combined with repetitively asking myself the following questions, often:
Am I happy?
Does he or can he make me happy?
Is it going to get any better?
The answer was always, "No" to these questions.

The night being a teacher probably saved my life

It was now the August after that Christmas and during the summer holiday I had become increasingly intolerant of his unreasonable behaviour. For example, once we had a row over me buying electricity for him at the local Co-Op, which is on his route home from the local train station, but for some reason it was my responsibilty to go and get it and pay for it. I had refused on several occasions. He shouted at me that I had, "Denied him a basic human right."  I think that occured the same day this awful night happened.

For a while I had been trying to tell him I was unhappy, he was not listening. I wanted out and my only tac tic left was texting. I can't remember what I did text, but I know I had to keep repeating myself about the relationship being poor, and things needed to change. He would bat things back, not listening, blaming me for things, telling me that, "If we wanted to go out (we never did) I would have to pay." (I earned more than him) and that he, "Couldn't trust me to behave myself if we went out." 

So, like a dog with a bone I wouldn't let go. I kept trying to make myself heard; to make him bloody well listen to me. It was nearing 11 pm at night at this point. He eventually sent some kind of threatening text back, I bit back and texted something I knew would antagonise him. I did not realise quite how much though; I just wanted an excuse, a concrete reason that he could see that things were over.

A succession of loud bangs at my door shocked me, but I knew it was him (he only lives, yes present tense, 4 doors away) so I opened the door. 

"Stop sending me these petulant texts, or, or...." he bellowed at me.
With the defiance of a truculant teenager I respond with, "Or what?"

Rabid, he lunged at me through my door and before I knew it I was pinned to my sofa with his arm just below my throat, his red, fury filled face inches from mine his left hand, coiled ready and poised in a fist inches from my face. 

I don't scream, but without shouting, well I hardly need to, he's close enough, I tell him to (sorry mum), "Fuck. Off."

I am still pinned to the sofa, his rabid face inches from mine, his fist coiled, quivering, and ready.

Spitting the words as if they were venom, he rasps, "Tell me to fuck off again and I'll beat the shit out of you." 
I believe him. He was not in control of himself. 

"I'll phone the police." I say in an all things considered, a relatively calm way. 

I glance helplessly across my room to where my phone is; making that last comment to him seem almost ridiculous. The front door is wide open, the houses across the street are in darkness, there is no sound of anyone walking down the street. I am alone with him and his rage. 

That doesn't seem to worry him, he once again spits and rasps, "Phone the police and I'll beat the shit out of you." (He was not overly creative in his use of threats)

Here I rely on the teacher's good old, "stuck record" approach and repeatedly tell him to, "Get off me."  

At no point in this exchange did I shout or scream, my tone was level, my pulse rate quicker than normal, but under control.   I think you learn, when faced with anger, and I have done with pupils, the only course of action is to be the opposite. It was like walking a tight rope with a pool of aggressive alligators underneath. Lose your balance, one foot out of place and a bloody messwould be the result of that minor error. 

Eventually, his grip loosens, he stood up and I am released.  I tell him to leave the house and collect his things in the morning. (We didn't live together, but he had lots of things around my house). He refuses, insists on getting things from my house now.  So he does, in a sulk as if he is the wounded party. 

I sit out in the cold on the steps of my tiny garden chain smoking and trying to breathe. I must keep calm still, must stay in control until he leaves. He does, eventually, but he still has my house key.

I don't phone my family, it is late at night and typically of me, I don't want to worry, them, well that and the deep, abiding, excrutiating shame that this has happened at all. What I do do, is go on Facebook (that was when I was addicted to that, my pre-Twitter addiction days) and do a quick summary of the episode as a status up-date finishing with the word, "Single."

It is here the adrenaline kicked in, so still not comprehending what has just happened. My dear, beloved friend Anthony chatted to me on Facebook then rang me up, talking to me to calm me down, making sure I was OK. I was so pumped full of adrenaline, I said I was.  I wasn't was I? How could I be? Damn my stoicism.

It was about 1am when I felt calm enough to go to bed, not that I slept. The whole horrible episode kept replaying in my head, over and over, combined with the gratitude that I was not in fact beaten to a pulp, in hospital, being fed though a tube.  Or dead. 

It was only much later that I can acknowedge to myself, nevermind anyone else, how terrified I was that night.  However, as well as the fear, I had the relief that I was 'free' from his clutches. Well, nearly free. He still lives on my street. I see him from time to time and he attempts to be friendly and say, "Hello." I blank him. 

Why have I not really spoken to anyone about this before?
It is still there, that deep, abiding shame that you allowed yourself to be bullied, coerced and terrorised in a relationship. Do I have trust issues? You bet your bottom dollar I do. I just, hope, I really do, that this can be overcome, although I think it would mean a future suitor (you ARE out there aren't you?) would need a massive heart, and the patience of a saint to take down the walls I have built brick, by brick, by brick. 

N.B. Thanks to wonderful friends, my locks were changed within a day of that incident happening, although it did take me some weeks before I could get some sleep in my own house.

Friday 6th December 2013

I published this post last night and I am stunned at the number of people who read it, the supportive tweets and words such as 'brave' and 'inspirational' used to describe me, and the writing about this event. More than once I have been moved to tears by these responses. Here are some: 

  
 
 
 
 
 

And from Facebook...the ones from my family made me sob. 







Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Let's Keep Things Shrimple

Firstly, thanks to @Super_Work for the shell fish pun that is my blog title. Hopefully all will become clear as this post progresses. I will add the rest of the tweeted puns at the end of the post as a reward for getting to the end.
 
After what could best be a described as a traumatic start to the week with a particularly difficult Year 11 class, I had all but mentally composed a resignation letter and started tunnelling my way out of teaching. Twitter chums responed in their droves to my plea of help with this class, and morale was lifted a little out of the cesspit it was in. 
 
The part of the lesson with a Year 8 set 4, a delightfully small class of amiable pupils who have brighter bulbs in their heads than they give themselves credit for.  They are, most of the time, quite adorable.  Today, they made me skip to my whiteboard to note down a comment that one of them made, although bitterly, I am struggling to remember what made me skip. Damn my Dory brain.
 
Our current SoW is 'Developing Writing Skills' and it suggests we look at an opening chapter of a novel to work out how an author reels the reader in.  With a few well known tweachers comments ringing in my ear - @JamesTheo,  @LearningSpy and @TheRealGeoffBarton to name but a few, I plumped for the opening chapter of 'A Christmas Carol'.  It was bit of a gamble as their reading ages are quite low, consequently the complexity of the language could potentially alienate them. I ploughed ahead anyway. 
 
I did an on the hoof lesson starter, that mutated into taking up nearly half the lesson, but I believe it was time well spent. After reminding each other who Scrooge was and what he was like as a character, we re-capped some of the text by listening to the glorious Patrick Stewart's reading of A Christmas Carol - easily accesible on YouTube (with the original text in front of them) Hurrah!
 
On an English teacher whim, I stopped the recording and focused on a simile that described Scrooge with surgical precision:
 
"Scrooge was as solitary as an oyster"
 
 
Remembering the wise words of Geoff Barton at the Wellington College Education Festival and some posts by @GoldfishBowlMM, I took nothing for granted and assumed no knowledge on their part.
 
I ask the class, "Do we know what 'solitary' means?"
 
The class respond with an honest, "No Miss" and a sea of fairly blank faces.
 
I was glad I asked, and taking a leaf out of @kevbartle's penchant for using synonyms to explore the fuller meanings of words I adapted this for words that have the same root.
 
"Right," I continue, "the word solitary as the same root as solo and solitaire, a card game you always get on computers for free."  There is a pregnant pause.
 
A, who prior to this half term was so very quite to the point of mute, offers an answer, "By yourself Miss?" 
 
"Bingo!" I respond with, I continue, "So, any idea what an oyster is or what it looks like?"

I see more blank faces, thinking about our geographical location, that shouldn't be surprise. 
 
I try describing an oyster, flailing my arms around, telling them about the shucking knife needed to open them, I even vere off into a tangent about a chat with English teachers working out why on earth it was an aphrodisiac (our conclusions were that they were so vile that you were so relived to still be alive after having eaten one, it made you a bit frisky) but they are still not sure what it is. 
 
Praise be for Google images, for I hop on the laptop and find photos of oysters.  We have a look at the images, they respond with, "Ewwwww!" and we notice a picture of a solitary oyster, floating in a dark sea and I decide we will focus on this image to analyse the simile. A quick copy and paste, followed by some nifty printing out, they have the picture of the oyster to glue in their books.  Thus ensues a rather in-depth discussion of why Scrooge is like an oyster.
 
 
 
 
The inital words they come up with associated with this picture are: lonely, isolated, in the dark and THEN the lightbulb moment for one pupils as he tells me that, "Scrooge is contained."  We then try and work out WHAT contains Scrooge in himself, and if this has anything to do with his loneliness.
 
 
We then move onto a rather more forensic analysis of the mollusc's shell. "What does it look like?" I ask.
 
"It is dull and dark Miss" replies one boy.
 
I respond with, "Thank you, what does this tell us about Scrooge?"
 
Another boy quickly replies with, "He is not fun, he doesn't really know what fun is."
 
"Good, what do we think stops him from having fun?"
 
Another, using what they already know from The Muppet Christmas Carol, chips in with, "It's because of what happened in his past Miss"
 
There is further discussion of his happiness in his past life, and how he is now, how and why he has changed into this mullusc.
 
I ask them to look even closer at the shell of the oyster, I tell them, "It reminds me of something else made by nature, that takes thousands or millions of years to form."
 
A lightbulb pings above another boy's head, "A rock Miss!"
 
"Good! What do this rock like shell and Scrooge have in common then?"
 
The same boy replies with, "He's been like that such a long time Miss. Now, it's really all he's ever known."
 
Others respond with comments like, "It's very tough and hard."  "You can't break it, or at least it's very hard to."
 
We zoom in to the shape and sharpness of the oyster shell, I ask, "What do you think it is like to pick up this oyster shell or come in contact with it?"
 
"It will hurt your hand Miss," a lad responds with,
 
I bat back with, "Right, so how is Scrooge sharp like an oyster shell?" 
 
A different pupil responds with, "It's how he treats people Miss,"
 
"Be more specific," I tell him, "How exactly does he treat people, in what way is he sharp?"
 
"How he speaks to people Miss, he is rude, unpleasant." We find some 'sharp' language and also put that around our oyster picture.
 
I then tell them that actually oysters are not solitary animals at all, they colonise rocks and stay together, we discuss why they are together, "To proctect each other." a boy tells me.
 
I think of more questions: "What do they (and we) need protection from?"
 
Referring to the setting of London, they can find links to the poverty mentioned in the text, the lack of a welfare state and how poor people are treated.
 
The Nelson interrogation continues, "Ahhhh, so what isolated Scrooge from his community, his protection?"
 
"HE did Miss!"
 
"So who or WHAT has made Scrooge into this solitary oyster?"
 
Again, "HE did Miss, it is the consequences of his actions."
 
This much deep discussion ensues about the cost of self-imposed isolation verses the benfit of being very much within your community, and how the individual suffers as a result of this self-imposed isolation. 
 
This 'starter' took up about half the lesson.  Was it time well spent? I think so. They said an awful lot more insightful and intelligent things about our solitary oyster and Scrooge than I have documented here.  Annoyingly, I can't remember them all. At least once, I skipped merrily towards my whiteboard to record their ideas on it, so very pleasantly surprised by the depth of their thinking.
 
After examing other features of the opening chapter, such as Dickens use of place, atmosphere, and them choosing some of Dicken's best sentences so that we can use them later in our own writing we land upon the tricky thing that is 'tension'. How on earth do we convey this idea clearly?
 
This leads me onto rounding off with a discussion about what the word 'tension' means, and one of my girls can easily relate it to tension between friendship groups, so I focus on that meaning (rather than narrative tension) and go with it.  She happens to have a hairband handy, so deftly knicking this from @Xris32  I flop the band around likening it to a 'normal' Uncle and nephew relationship, I ask, "Is Scrooge's relationship with his nephew relaxed, like this hair band?"
 
"No Miss,"
 
I interject with, "Ok, so what is it like?"
 
"It is tense Miss,"
 
"WHY is it tense and HOW tense is it?"
 
I begin to stretch the hairband with it's owner and ask them to tell us to, "Stop," when it is tense enough then explain WHY it is tense enough. We PING the hairband when we have an agreed level of tension combined with sufficient explanation, linking to the tension between Scrooge and his nephew.
 
At the start of the lesson, they did not know what 'solitary' or 'oyster' was.
By the end, they had made the connection between the two words, worked out why they had been chosen by Dickens to describe Scrooge and made numerous other connections between the simile and the character, explaining their purpose, and exploring the sub-text in some level of detail.  They also know what tension between between characters in a narrative is for.
 
This lesson has really taught me how important Geoff Barton's mantra is about making the word poor, word rich.  However we choose to go about it, it is worth while. Those pupils are much more word rich than they were at the start of the lesson.
 
I would say that was 'good' progress for that particular class.  I'm not sure an observer would agree, nor would they agree with me spending nearly half a lesson on one simile from a text. 
 
No matter, I remain delighted with what the group achieved in that lesson. That will do me.
 
The Knowledge/Skills Thingummy
 
The following uber-tweachers: @LearningSpy @andrewolduk @webofsubstance @pedagogueinthemachine and @imagineenquiry and @daisychristo have written AT LENGTH about this, so I will not.
 
However, reflecting upon this lesson DID make me give this some thought.
 
The SKILL was to be able to analyse the simile's purpose in describing Scrooge's character.
 
The class lacked the rather basic KNOWLEDGE of the words within the simile meant, nevermind what the words did once combined. This did need to be taught. The teaching was done through questioning, extensive questionning to the point of interrogation. They were not 'lectured' however, the method of 'chalk and talk' was nothing new. But it worked.
 
This SKILL of analysis needs to be further developed so that this becomes much more embedded; so that they are able to do this without me. This, then must be repeated, in various guises, gradually withdrawing the level of 'coaching' by me, so that eventually they can analyse almost anything that is put in front of them.  This will take time.
 
While they remain 'word poor' this will remain difficult for them. Making them more 'word rich' also takes time.
 
So, when we think of the lesson observations hot potato also, what happens when a class are at this kind of stage in their learning of language, when they are not YET ready to be completely independent of the teacher? What then?
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday, 3 November 2013

A Car Crash Conversation


SLT has taken a bit of a bashing on Twitter of late, some of it, in some circumstances deserved, some less so.  Within my own school I have a good relationship with most members of our SLT team, mainly because; despite some of the decisions they make that I may not agree with; that I may find difficult to implement; that I may struggle to find time for, they have not lost touch with their humanity, have worked at the school for many years because of an unswerving loyalty to the children in the community that our school serves. 

   On Twitter I have tweeted with many Head Teachers, Deputy Head and AHTs steeped in integrity and a passion for their pupils and compassion for their colleagues.  This post isn't about you.

Rather, this example of a car crash conversation I had with an AHT at a my first teaching school, in Tamworth. She was the line manager for the English faculty, and the conversation is about the first time I had crippling depression after the death of my father 8 years ago. After his death and gradually, over about 6 months, I became a ghost of myself, through a loss of one and a half stone, hair loss, insomnia and adult acne.  I looked a wreck but somehow, when I told this AHT I was not very well at all and I had been prescribed anti-depressents, I had a most astonishing conversation. 

This taken from a different blog I started about 3 years ago, mainly containing self-indulgent, awful mawkish writing. This, though I think  is worth a second airing, not least for two friends who are teachers and not in a good place at all due to a range of stresses, many of which are teaching based.

So here is the tale of the car crash conversation with an AHT and some context.

So, at last the doctor's visit about my depression was done, and me being the conscientious sort, felt it right to tell the people at work, my school. I told my head of department first and he listened, made no judgments or comments and advised me to speak to our Assistant Head, the one, who totally inexplicably was in charge of 'people' and their well-being at school. This was the same woman who told a friend and colleague whose sister in law was dying of the human form of BSE at the same time an OFSTED Inspection was due that, "School is more important, she won't know who you are anyway when you visit."   So, you can imagine I was not overly optimistic about the outcome of our conversation, and boy was I right. Now, this is a conversation I have not really ever forgotten.

I walk into her office, trousers hanging off my hips and palms sweaty, not really from nerves but it was a side effect of my medication. Pleasantries are exchanged and I tell her, "I've been diagnosed with depression and I'm on anti-depressants."
 
She responds in an all to inappropriately cheery manner with, "Oh, well you disguised that well."
 
A little dumbstruck I respond with, "Oh, erm, really?" [internal monologue: What do you mean I've disguised that well?! I've lost over a stone and a half in weight, I haven't slept properly in the last 6 months, my clothes are falling off me, my hair is falling out in clumps and my complexion is worse than a teenage boy's.]
 
Still in the cheery tone she comments, "You should take some more pride in your appearance! Put on a bit of lippy, do your hair, by some new clothes!"
 
Once again I am dumbstruck, I cannot respond. [internal monologue. I feel the worst I've ever felt in my life and now you're telling me how crap I look. Brilliant. And getting myself in debt buying new clothes will make me feel better how? I said I have depression, not that I'm a bit depressed you imbecile. Doctors don't prescribe you anti-depressants unless you could be a danger to yourself. Are you really meant to be in charge of people? How? Why?!]
 
She continues in the same irritating tone of voice, same stupid comments, "Go out with the girls, go and get pissed!"
 
I manage to muster a response here, "I can't, anti-depressants don't mix with alcohol."
 
"Oh don't worry about that," she carries on, "go and have a few drinks." 
 
I can't manage a response again. [internal monologue: How on earth can you get to your age (she's in her 50s) and have such low emotional intelligence? Why are you so ignorant about this? Stop TALKING!]
 
I think I fudge an excuse to leave, and leave I do. I'm astonished at the stupidity of her comments, still am, and the worst of it was, no help was offered. No offers of occupational health, no alleviation in my timetable. Nothing. Nada.

 It is this kind of encounter that, sadly, creates the 'Us and Them' between classroom teachers and SLT culture in a school.  It is regrettable that this kind of incident, something I have never forgotten; produces angry bile when I recall it. 
 
Is it any wonder that classroom teachers can be distrustful of senior managers in a school?

Perhaps, what is of greater concern is that such encounters have put me off wanting to 'climb the greasy pole' of promotion in a school. If that is the end result, some kind of Faustian pact that recinds you of your soul and integrity, I don't want it. I'd rather be put out of my misery like a horse with a shattered leg after missing a jump in The Grand National, than become 'that'.   I wonder if that is something that crosses an SLT member's mind when they instigate a conversation with a classroom teacher? If not, it really ought to.